Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
