apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
