he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
