I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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