Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
