People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
