im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
