Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
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