I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
