U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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