like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
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perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
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And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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