Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
