Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
