sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
