Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
