I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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