apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
