I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Apparently you make a good broom.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
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i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
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You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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