Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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