You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
