you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
You took a bar mat shot.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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