idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
