I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
