We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
