my soul wont recognize me after tonight
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
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