he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
whose parrot is this?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
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