I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
