how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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