you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
