i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
