i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I'm really busy with my period
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