In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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