Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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