I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
