Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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