I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
