He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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