The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
