you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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