also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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