Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
