cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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