You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
