im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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