I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
