She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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