How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Your dad touched me again.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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