It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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