My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
did you just send me my own nude
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
