1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
