a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
