i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
