Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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