I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Randomize
