Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Of course I have a pirate flag
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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