I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
