If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
